daniel 13-14, which doesn't exist in the typical bible, since it wasn't in the original hebrew text of daniel, just in the greek versions.
story 1: suzanne: suzanne loves and obeys God, but she's really hot. two old men secretly lust after her. one day she's in the garden and decides to take a bath. the two men are there spying on her. suz tells her servants to close the garden gates then return with bath supplies. when the servants leave, the men seize suz and try to blackmail her. suz refuses to sleep with the men, so they tell everyone that they caught her committing adultery. crowds gather and wish to punish suz. suz prays to God asking for Him for justice. the holy spirit inspires daniel, who's among the crowd. he stands up and declares that suz is righteous but the men are evil. the people listen to daniel and ask him to speak, because he is favoured by God. daniel says that he will judge the men separately. to the first man, he asks under what kind of tree was suz committing adultery. the man says 'an acacia tree'. then for the second man, he asks the same question. he says 'an oak tree'. aHA! the stories are inconsistent, which means suz is innocent. the people kill the two men. God rules and protects His people.
story 2: "se moque des pretres des idoles"...poking fun at the the priests of baal. the king asks daniel why he doesn't like baal. daniel replies, 'dude! he's not even alive. i worship the one and only living God.' the king is puzzled because baal supposedly eats all the food offerings, and only the living can eat things, right? the king decides to interrogate baal's priests. the priests must tell him who consumes baal's food. if baal is the one who truly eats it, then daniel will die. the priests tell the king to bring food to baal's altar, then to lock all the doors and seal it with his kingly seal. they snicker coz they know that there is a secret passageway, in which they will enter and have a lovely feast. before the king locks up, daniel asks his servants to sprinkle the ground with ashes. that evening the priests and their families enter baal's temple and have a feast. the next day the king sees that his seal is unbroken, but when they enter, all the food is gone. so, he is ecstatic. daniel tells the king to look at all the footprints on the ground from the ashes. the king sees that there are tracks made from men, women, and children too. aHA! this proves that baal is fake, and the priest are phony. the priests are killed, and daniel destroys baal. God reigns.
story 3: 'daniel and the dragon': so it turns out this story is hardly about a dragon. in babylon, there's this dragon, feared by all the babylonians. the king asks daniel to implore his God to do something about it. so daniel says to the king, 'i'm going to kill it without arms' (like weapons, not limbs). daniel boils up a mixture of oil, fur, and 'poix' (i dunno what that is in french). he throws the mixture into the mouth of the dragon, who eats it, then shrivels and dies. the babylonians complain to the king, 'man! you're like jewish now! first you detroyed baal, the dragon, and also the priests. let us have daniel now, or we'll kill the whole royal family.' so the king has no choice. he hands over daniel, who is then thrown into a lion's den. (deja vu?). meanwhile in judah, the prophet habbakuk just finished baking some bread to feed the millers, when an angel of the Lord appears and tells him to bring the bread to daniel in babylon. habbakuk has no idea where's babylon, let alone the lion's den, so the angel picks him up by the hair and carries him to the lion's den. habbakuk calls daniel and throws down the food. 'yo daniel! eat this! it's from God!' on the 7th day, the king checks up on daniel who is alive and well. the king acknowledges God and praises Him. daniel is freed, and the babylonians who had seized daniel are thrown into the lion's den.
story 1: suzanne: suzanne loves and obeys God, but she's really hot. two old men secretly lust after her. one day she's in the garden and decides to take a bath. the two men are there spying on her. suz tells her servants to close the garden gates then return with bath supplies. when the servants leave, the men seize suz and try to blackmail her. suz refuses to sleep with the men, so they tell everyone that they caught her committing adultery. crowds gather and wish to punish suz. suz prays to God asking for Him for justice. the holy spirit inspires daniel, who's among the crowd. he stands up and declares that suz is righteous but the men are evil. the people listen to daniel and ask him to speak, because he is favoured by God. daniel says that he will judge the men separately. to the first man, he asks under what kind of tree was suz committing adultery. the man says 'an acacia tree'. then for the second man, he asks the same question. he says 'an oak tree'. aHA! the stories are inconsistent, which means suz is innocent. the people kill the two men. God rules and protects His people.
story 2: "se moque des pretres des idoles"...poking fun at the the priests of baal. the king asks daniel why he doesn't like baal. daniel replies, 'dude! he's not even alive. i worship the one and only living God.' the king is puzzled because baal supposedly eats all the food offerings, and only the living can eat things, right? the king decides to interrogate baal's priests. the priests must tell him who consumes baal's food. if baal is the one who truly eats it, then daniel will die. the priests tell the king to bring food to baal's altar, then to lock all the doors and seal it with his kingly seal. they snicker coz they know that there is a secret passageway, in which they will enter and have a lovely feast. before the king locks up, daniel asks his servants to sprinkle the ground with ashes. that evening the priests and their families enter baal's temple and have a feast. the next day the king sees that his seal is unbroken, but when they enter, all the food is gone. so, he is ecstatic. daniel tells the king to look at all the footprints on the ground from the ashes. the king sees that there are tracks made from men, women, and children too. aHA! this proves that baal is fake, and the priest are phony. the priests are killed, and daniel destroys baal. God reigns.
story 3: 'daniel and the dragon': so it turns out this story is hardly about a dragon. in babylon, there's this dragon, feared by all the babylonians. the king asks daniel to implore his God to do something about it. so daniel says to the king, 'i'm going to kill it without arms' (like weapons, not limbs). daniel boils up a mixture of oil, fur, and 'poix' (i dunno what that is in french). he throws the mixture into the mouth of the dragon, who eats it, then shrivels and dies. the babylonians complain to the king, 'man! you're like jewish now! first you detroyed baal, the dragon, and also the priests. let us have daniel now, or we'll kill the whole royal family.' so the king has no choice. he hands over daniel, who is then thrown into a lion's den. (deja vu?). meanwhile in judah, the prophet habbakuk just finished baking some bread to feed the millers, when an angel of the Lord appears and tells him to bring the bread to daniel in babylon. habbakuk has no idea where's babylon, let alone the lion's den, so the angel picks him up by the hair and carries him to the lion's den. habbakuk calls daniel and throws down the food. 'yo daniel! eat this! it's from God!' on the 7th day, the king checks up on daniel who is alive and well. the king acknowledges God and praises Him. daniel is freed, and the babylonians who had seized daniel are thrown into the lion's den.
